Asteya, the third principle in the Yama means “non-stealing.” As the Yamas directly correlate with other moral codes, like the Ten Commandments, it is important to study this yoga philosophy as a nuanced rule of life.

Of course, not taking someting that isn’t yours is a principle taught to small children. But what about how it applies to my life, my time, my marriage and my parenting?

In what ways am I stealing from my future self through procrastination, or stealing from my marriage through the silent treatment in conflict?

How am I stealing from my kids through control and hyper fixation?

What am I claiming as “mine” that really isn’t?

Asteya in Parenting

While it literally refers to not taking what isn’t freely given, its deeper meaning extends to not taking time, energy, attention, or opportunities from others unjustly. When applied to parenting, Asteya becomes a powerful principle for raising mindful, respectful, and independent children.

• James 1:19: “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
• John 13-:34: “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.”

Respecting My Child’s Autonomy

Don’t “steal” your child’s voice, choices, or independence. I must allow my sons age-appropriate decision-making opportunities, like choosing their clothes, selecting activities, or expressing their opinions without interruption or dismissal. This is very hard since it is a departure from my own upbringing, and the “do as I say” kind of parenting that has been modeled for generations in our culture. However, after reading The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, I knew that my parenting style needed to shift.

I wanted my sons to feel empowered and trusting of their own compass. I didn’t want to steal their voice and replace it with mine – always lecturing, warning or second-guessing. Looking over their shoulder to double-check their work.

This also goes into what they decide to do with their time. I may want them to keep playing baseball, but what I need to do is help them develop curiosity and perseverance. “Do you want to quit because you don’t enjoy it? Or do you want to quit because you aren’t good at XYZ yet?” By respecting their autonomy, I am giving my sons permission to take up space with their voice and unique perspectives. I practice Asteya the way that God practices it with me, as His child: watching from the sidelines to see how I will exercise my free will.

Ways I am practicing Asteya with my sons

• Avoid stealing their emotional experiences by invalidating or rushing their feelings. I let them cry, express frustration, or feel joy without immediate correction or redirection. This means allowing them to be angry with me without defending or punishing.
• Don’t steal their life path by living vicariously through them. I reflect on whether my hopes for their lives serve them or my own, unmet goals. This is where my codependency recovery gets used the most these days.
• Respecting their time and energy. We work hard not to overschedule or burden them with my expectations or anxieties. As a member of academia, this extends to the level of effort they put into school or their future plans regarding college. I provide downtime and observe how and when they need more ease in their lives.

Asteya in My Marriage

My husband and I are opposites in many ways, but the way we handle conflict and our inner turmoil is probably the area where we have grown the most in the last six years. This is largely due to my insistence on making him “sit in the ick” until we get it all worked through. But I grew up in a household with the Silent Treatment, and through lots of counseling, self-study, and trial and error, I have learned that it is not a healthy way to handle conflict with anyone I proclaim to love.

The Silent Treatment

The Silent Treatment is neglect at best and emotional abuse at worst. There is a difference between retreating to your own corner to process big emotions and protect the relationship from heated words. But the intention is to heal and repair once that wave has subsided. However, the Silent Treatment makes its receiver feel insignificant, disposable, and unseen. That isn’t love. Not by any definition.

Using the Silent Treatment violates Asteya because it steals away the peace, respect, and honor in my marriage. God gave me a sacred covenant, which means I am the keeper of my marriage and the guardian of peace. Understanding myself and the tools I need to find my way back to peace and repair is how I honor my yoga practice, my relationship with God, and my marriage.

• Romans 12:18: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” 
• Matthew 5:9: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” 
• Psalm 34:14: “Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” 

Being Present Without Distraction

My husband hates my phone. I have my phone with me always. It is a problem, but I am still finding the balance. Work email is on my phone, yes, but my students do not need access to me 24/7. I can excuse it away with arguments about documenting through taking photos, or killing time in a waiting room, but when does the phone speak its authority over my marriage? How am I stealing connection time by being distracted (e.g., by phones, work)?

Practicing Asteya in my marriage involves being aware of when people, places, and things are consuming my time and energy, and diverting that energy to my marriage with intention. That could be as simple as a few minutes each day.

How am I am stealing from my future self?

These are the journals prompts I have been using to explore Asteya in my own life:

• What am I claiming is “mine” that really isn’t?
• Am I claiming a label given to me that I have outgrown?
• Am I claiming shame that was put on me by others, but has no place as God’s Daughter?
• Am I claiming an entitled future that I need to release?
• Where are my expectations and God’s blessings misaligned?

However you practice yoga in your daily life, Asteya can guide you in your personal image, your relationships, and your parenting. Remember that God’s best and highest good is always in your favor, and He has firmly rooted you in His blessings, even if it isn’t what you had in mind for yourself. As humans, we just need to get out of the way sometimes and decide to surrender to what is, not what we want it to be.