This is the story of how I used my psychotically organized personality to find the love of my life on Match.com.

A story for a different time: I was married for 10 years, had 3 kids with said-husband, and then found myself single at the age of 35 when my youngest was only 6 months old.

*Fast Forward*

How to date online when you are worried about creeps, SA, Catfish, stalking…. and all the other things women must think about. On repeat. Until death.

So as a newly-single woman, with a firm grasp on my life – I didn’t want more kids, I was living in my own house, and I had career and a financial situation that meant I didn’t need help from another man. I had the WASP-y confidence of a woman who was raised with the knowledge that sexual energy is both a power and a currency, that observing the male species will give away all their weak spots and their secrets, and that life was too short to settle… again. I went head-first into the jungle to find a mate.

But where to begin:

My parents divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was 20-years old. My father met my step-mom on Match.com and I remember going through the catalog of prospects back when it was still new and exciting to actually pay a site to find a spouse for you. Back then, in college, I was still embarrassingly using Craigslist personal ads to find a date. Wholly unnecessary, ladies.

So with their newly-minted and very swift marriage, my dad and his wife were the beacons I needed to point me to the dating site oracle – Match.com.

I wish I could share my Match.com bio. I would like to say it took me a long time to come up with it, but I am a go-with-your-gut, what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen? kind of gal. But in the nature of things, it was not saved but I can outline the aftermath. I wanted to be witty and direct. Wise yet open-minded. Honest and particular. I kept it clinical and fun, without losing the plot of what I was worth and what my standards would be.

Step 1: Know your worth going in. I knew I wanted to find someone who had the attention span longer than a housefly and was willing to put in the work of email before meeting. I knew I wanted a man of faith – not just cultural and historical faith, but a practical application of faith in his life. I knew I wanted someone who wouldn’t air the dirty laundry of their ex on their first date or ask for any more kids. For that matter, I didn’t want someone who never had kids because they would have little reference to the planet I lived on.

I wanted to kiss every.single.one of them – either as an exploration of chemistry, or a consolation prize for those I would not see again. I knew I wasn’t going to take my clothes off for anyone I wasn’t serious about. I wasn’t going to limit myself – the kids were with their bio-dad for three nights a week, so I would stack multiple dates with multiple people on those days and then decide who goes on to the next round.

Maybe you think this is crass. Maybe this is cold. If so, I take your judgement and trash it like all the other judgements gone before you. Moving on…..

These applicants had to engage in emails for 10-14 days prior to getting my phone number.

Then they had to make me laugh over text or phone conversations.

Then, and only then, would I shave my legs, wash the dry shampoo out of my hair, put on non-yoga clothing and spend time with them. These steps were firm for me… until Brian. (another story for another time).

Step 2: Have canned questions to reply via email. This forces the applicant out of “how was your weekend?” kind of kiddie-pool conversation and into the deep end where the grown-ups swim. I also wanted to weed out how many were in it for the flesh sandwich.

Questions include:

1. What is the most frequented Pandora <now it’s Spotify maybe?> station you put on?

2. What was your favorite birthday as a child?

3. What is one thing on your Bucket List?

4. Do you have a favorite tree?

If they can handle this, I hit them with the hard stuff- might as well get the cowards out of the way:

1. What is your drink of choice? Are you a beer or scotch or tequila or whiskey guy? Are you just a suicidal frat boy who pours it all into one glass indiscriminately in order to achieve maximum buzz in minimal time? (please say no, please say no, maybe say yes…)

2. If you were to cook me dinner, what would you prepare?

3. What church do you call Home and how does your faith sustain you in your current chapter?

4. Would you let me paint your toenails?

5. What was your contributing flaw to the demise of your last long term relationship?

6. If I lined up your last XX partners, what would they say was the hardest part of being with you.

….. yes, I asked them these kinds of things. Yes, most answered every single one.

Go big or go home…. or rather. Be direct or get let down eventually.

But you have to be kind. And open. And willing to reciprocate. Boldness was the only way this was going to work, on both sides.

Step 3: Go on dates. Have fun. Know when to call it.

I kept a spreadsheet of the men I was chatting with via email, those who had made it to the phone stage and those who I was going to see in person. Don’t get me wrong. I was a college professor with a full load, the primary caregive for all 3 of my kids, active in the PTA, girls’nights and church… I didn’t have a dozen men floating around. BUT, you have no idea how many Josh, Joshua, Jordan, Jake, Jacob, John, Jon, etc born in the 70s. Even when I met my now-husband Brian, there was another Brian in my phone that I had to differentiate as “Stinky Brian” because of his allegiance to charcoal deodorant and one shower a month.

I never planned a date. But when I was ready, I sent out this email or text: “This has been great. If you would like to make a plan for next week on <Date there is a slot available> I would love to meet you in person.” No need to be chasing anyone, ladies.

Step 4: Clear the Roster

Have a few girlfriends over on a Monday night to rehash the pros and cons of the dates from the previous weekend. This takes no time at all once you get the hang of it. There is a canned email response that I used after a date that I knew wouldn’t make it to the second date. I sent it the next morning so there wouldn’t be any time for the applicant to wonder… or start making a Pinterest board of what engagement ring I was going to get. Canned response is as follow (feel free to steal this for yourself. I am a giver.):

“Thank you so much for the honor of your time. I really enjoyed getting to know you and having <fill in meal/activity/location>. Upon reflection, I do not feel the connection to continue seeing each other further, but I wish you the best on your journey.

Blessings, Shellie.”

Step 5: Rinse and Repat. Take a break when needed. Get back out there.

In my case, I had 40 first dates before I met my husband. Ready to clutch them pearls?? That was in 1 year.

Start to finish.

40 men. 40 first dates.

13 second dates.

7 third dates.

4 relationships that didn’t make it past 6 weeks and then BINGO… Brian.

I knew I was going to be the biggest, purest, untrimmed self this time around. I was going to stay hopeful and optimistic, but more loyal to myself than I had ever been. I had recently started attending CoDA meetings to heal all the parts that were fractured and I wanted to honor all the versions of myself I had neglected. I married Brian 5 months after our first date to the dismay of all our family and friends.

I had a system. I had a sense of humor. I had a commitment to self-reflection through every stage. I had a support system of dear friends cheering me on – ready with a Band-Aid, a beer or a backbone, whichever I needed at the time. I put out the energy I wanted to get back and I held firm to what I knew I could offer the world.

I honor each and every one of the men who took a bold step into my dating pool and how they prepared me more and more for the men to follow. Ultimately, I was glad to give the Thursday at 6pm slot to the Flight Instructor who had the killer dimples and a full head of hair. I married him 5 months after our first date and it has been the best thing I ever found on the internet.

If you are floating around looking for your own partnership, don’t lose heart. You have the exact heart someone is dying to love. The exact face and body somebody is aching to hold. The exact past someone is equipped to help you heal from. They are out there. And you are worth the work it takes to find you.

As a post-script: Please, please, please think about the photos you put on your profile: No one wants to see you lying down, chin on a close-up, or in a bathroom with your used Q-Tip on the counter next to dried-up toothpaste spittle. No one wants to be startled by your pickle costume, your mugshot or your feet.

If you are a fisherman/woman, leave that for a simple sentence in your bio. We are not going on a date with the dead sea creature you just ripped out of its home for this photo op.